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livejournal, my drug of choice
16 June 2011 @ 05:49 am
"you always had to be right but now you've lost
The only thing that ever made you feel alive"
sometimes i have to remind myself what is really important

I love music because its so emotional, it pulls me in and reminds me of things i have a tendency to over logic

like this
i control
but at what cost?
i can excuse it away, explain it away all i want
but in the end what matters is what happens not who was right
this reminds me to watch my step and not lose sight of whats really important
he is
no matter how right i am if i hurt him or push him past breaking
broken is broken and being right cant and wont fix that.
so jillian consider this your reminder
you hold his heart, and it is much more fragile then yours.
you know this, dont forget it.
dont forget to love first, nurture first, cherish first
then worry about being right, dont be right at the expense of his heart
its just so much more invaluable dont lose sight of that
livejournal, my drug of choice
25 September 2010 @ 06:54 pm

I cant stop myself from exploding but i canlearn to control the fallout

Dont you worry about me
Bc he is good so good
He treats ur little girl like a real man should
He is good so good
He makes promises he keeps
No hes never gonna leave
So dont you worry about me

Posted via LiveJournal app for iPhone.

livejournal, my drug of choice
10 April 2010 @ 04:47 am
You leave home and you move on and you do the best you can
I got lost in this old world and forgot who I am
I thought if I could touch this place or feel it
This brokenness inside me might start healing
Out here it’s like I’m someone else
I thought that maybe I could find myself

I am me now. The choices I make are my own. I choose who I am and what I do
Maybe it’s the staying home and not doing anything but I think it’s more the really seeing what the future is going to look like. What I will choose. It’s real now not just some fuzzy happy time in the future.

This right here. This is my life this is the future I've spent so long waiting for. I'm living it. Maybe it’s him, maybe it’s because he’s here now I feel like I'm complete I'm ready to live because he’s here with me making it real. Before him I was just looking for him so our life could start.

He is my life. I know that’s not healthy. And so I try to be me too but he is everything I care about. But I know in order for us to be happy we have to be healthy so I don’t forget myself. It’s harder than I thought. It’s funny I was in such shitty relationships that were so hard and so much work for nothing I thought a real good relationship would be easy. and I guess that’s true but it’s like yeah it was hard before but it just sucked because I knew it was for nothing and not worth it but I needed/wanted it so bad I did it even though it sucked and I wasn’t really happy. And now it’s hard…. Let me rephrase that it’s really fucking hard. I love him so much but god damn he’s so stubborn! I'm so complicated and over think everything and he just doesn’t lol it’s not a bad thing but it’s frustrating. I know he loves me but he’s just so different. It’s hard to slow down and remember to think like him not just about him.

I guess the choices I've made the past 5 years have affected me now but it just feels real now. it’s funny I'm living at home (maybe not mine but it’s still a home and still has almost all the perks mainly free home cooked meals I don’t have to make or plan) again yet I feel more adult than ever.

Kyle doesn’t want to live in the city or even the suburbs. Which once I was really honest with myself with what I've pictured I don’t want either. I want trees, I want grass, I want creeks I want nature and adventure and I want my kids to grow up with everything I wished for as a child. Don’t get me wrong my childhood rocked, my mom was my best friend and I saw her all the time and there was never a second I doubted her love. But we always had more concrete then grass and I know that wasn’t her dream either but if I've learned anything it’s that even when we get what we dream of we live life not a dream, we have to live in the real world with money and drama and trust. This means I won’t always get everything I want. But I have him. And that is really all I've ever wanted.

It’s true; it’s not really socially acceptable to say. But he is all I've ever wanted. It’s probably more of a self worth issue then I wanna admit but whatever. I wanted him the one I was gonna spend my life with the one that completes me that I get to marry make babies and a life with. I found him, or rather he found me. It’s funny it just felt so anti climatic. We started dating and it was like oh wow I think I love you, yup I def love you. And that was it. We just are and always will be. It just feels like a given, it’s not of course it’s a choice everyday it’s work. But really nothing else makes sense. We’ve never stayed mad for even an hour. We fight it hurts but I have never doubted he loves me. I love him and if he loves me everything else doesn’t matter. If he really loves me and I really love him I'm willing to do what it takes to make whatever work.
I'm not used to giving it. I've spent so long always getting what I want. I lived for me with no one else to worry about. It’s a weird transition with unexpected speed bumps. Attitudes that have never mattered before hurt him. I don’t want to hurt him. I'm changing me to become who I want. But I always over think everything. So I'm trying to explain it to myself, wonder how it affects him, trying to explain it to him, and failing at all of it because I can’t do everything all the time. I want so badly to be perfect for him. I need to just breathe and let whatever happens happen. But I can’t let go of that control. So often it takes seeing that he’s hurt to make me see I need to stop. But by that point we are already in a fight. I'm so self involved.
On my journal it says
I don’t understand why anyone would love me unless I'm either pretty or helping them
and when I’m not doing either I don’t feel like anyone should love me

Logically I know that I'm worthy of love regardless but call me jaded but I just can’t see it in strangers. Although I fully admit I'm probably a self fulfilling prophesy. It means I'm overly sensitive and way too worried about….. Everything really.

I feel too strong. I fall too hard. I love so strong so black and white so unapologetically. My love for him just is it isn’t a question or really a choice. Yes I choose everyday to love him and to put the work into us that will make us work, but that emotion? That need, that uncontrollable emotion that you can’t force if it’s not there or ignore if it is? That just is.

We fell in love that first night. The idea of what it was was amazing; It was exhilarating right from the start his touch set me on fire I couldn’t say no didn’t want to. He held me and I knew I wanted nothing but that. I forget when exactly it was but it couldn’t have been more than a week later I was driving I think to work I was on the frontage road headed towards home depot and some song came on the radio and I imagined what it would feel like if he got hurt or died and I never got any more time with him then id had. I started crying. I scared myself with how much that idea hurt me. I had to distract myself. The idea of losing him hurt more than anything I could imagine. The idea of losing him .losing what we were becoming. I had no idea I could feel that so quickly I mean I move fast but damn the pain at just the idea was crippling. I've never had anything mean that much to me. Still don’t have anything to compare it to. The closest thing would be the idea of not being able to have kids. But there are so many other options for that it’s bearable. But him? Nothing compares. No option besides him. Nothing I've wanted more than this life with him. The everyday the hug home from work the kiss on the forehead as we fall asleep. I couldn’t imagine the pain that day of being teased with it and never getting to see the what if. But now, now that I really see what our everyday would be like. I can’t imagine going back, I can’t imagine holding myself up now that I've felt him catch me. I don’t know why it scares me so bad it’s not like there’s anything especially dangerous about what he does. But god when I think about it. Nothing, nothing scares me like that. Maybe it’s because I can’t believe I deserve it, my mom didn’t get it? Why should I? I trust him beyond anything, but I don’t trust fate, god, life enough to believe I get this, everything I've ever dreamed of. Maybe it’s because I've never lost anyone. And the imagined pain is worse than the reality that one day all pain fades. But I just can’t imagine. I can’t see myself breathing through the pain; I just can’t see me finding a way to function through that. I know realistically that I would but god. I can’t think of anything that would hurt worse than losing him. Because it’s losing the only thing I've ever wanted, the only thing in the world I've ever really really wanted needed. I'm strong I don’t need. But I need him, but if I lose him I don’t lose just him, I lose our life together, I don’t ever get to have it. And before the future was just some fuzzy happy place but now I can see it I can see the smiles the love the everyday love the laundry the kisses goodbye the waking up in his arms the wedding the having his children the raising them then watching them grow up and growing old with him. I’d lose all of that too. I can’t imagine wanting any of that with anyone else. And god there is nothing I want more then that life with him and to have that taken along with him? It’s just, unimaginable. It’s just one more way my over thinking hurts me; it means I feel the what if pain when no one else would have gotten past the right now pain.
We fought about something then other day and it was bad, screaming both sides really hurt. He pushed me away. And I broke. I literally cried hysterically fell to my knees and into a ball on the floor. Nothing matter but the pain his rejection. I had no pride. I didn’t want to fix it. Couldn’t think completely broken. I can’t remember crying like that in my adult like I never gave myself into anything like that. I've never wanted anything to have that much control over me. I'm too much of a control freak to let go that far. But with him? I want him more then I could ever want control. I’d give him anything. Anything. This love this need this love isn’t something I can control or choose.. It is amazing. It’s funny, I'm such a control freak but with him? I can’t stay mad. Because no matter what it is. It doesn’t matter more than him. It can be really really really important. But really, I don’t care more about being right or doing anything or getting something or doing what I want more than I care about him. When I get in a fight with him all I have to do it look in his eyes see him, really see the man I'm in love with and I remember I choose nothing, nothing in the world over him. We had gotten in a fight because I was scared. He drove over 17 and we were both tired and I thought he wasn’t ok to drive (he was) but I wasn’t either, so it got to the point where I was hysterical screaming the entire ride over 17 because my fear blinded me to rational thinking. We got home and he got up to walk out the door. I broke. I realized nothing mattered. Nothing. I hadn’t stopped screaming for over an hr and the moment I realized he was leaving I shut up grabbed him and couldn’t let go. Nothing in the world even my fear was not more important to me then not losing him. I had been so far gone id forgotten. I swore to myself I would never again let anything blind me to that fact. That he is more important to me than anything. Period. It’s, meant a lot of fights stopped cold.

He is amazing.

I was sitting in the tree house crying because I didn’t know how to explain my crazy head to him and I saw the sun setting through a huge tree. It was so pretty. For not the first time in the last few weeks I was struck by how right it all felt. How much I feel at home in my life at the moment and how unexpected it is. There is a lot I don’t know, what I'm doing with my life how we will work as a couple how we will fix our fights when well move how well ever afford anything if I’ll ever be perfect or happy or have the perfect life. But I have him behind me loving me like I never dreamed I’d be loved. Nothing else matters. I realized I love him and I feel complete but it’s been almost 7 mths now and were past the mushy phase it’s real life now. And I realized I'm still broken. My issues? Still there. He loves me anyway but now my broken parts? They don’t just affect me anymore now they affect us. And that sucks, I don’t wanna hurt him. So now I have real incentive to fix me but guess what. I still don’t know how :(
livejournal, my drug of choice
05 April 2010 @ 11:10 am
i think i may kill his keyboard

my eyes arent the same as the ones in this picture

id never loved
id never really kissed

and now ive had the extremes, the asshole, my amazing

why am i so fucked up
im reminded tonight that i may love him
and he may complete me and make me forget everything
but just because i dont think about something doesnt make it go away
im just as broken as i ever was im just not thinking about it
only now me not being broken is even more important.

i love him
im hurting him
i HATE hurting him
livejournal, my drug of choice
06 January 2010 @ 12:33 am
its real now

its a choice now

its work now

i kinda wanna run, but i know i wont be happy

i know im happy now

i know it hurts when we fight but god that feeling when he looks in my eyes says he loves me cant live with out me and hes sorry

i cant live without him cant live without that love cant walk away from him

and for once in my god damn life. im with someone i shouldnt walk away from

with a guy that loves me, isnt a lying cheating asshole just telling me what i wanna hear

god fucking forbid he has opinions of his own that arent the same as mine. i cant just get scared because he is his own person and isnt just faking what i wanna see

i love that person that he is. that he is his own person and he is real

and he loves me

holy crap i found him he loves me! the way i love him. yeah this is gonna be hard so yeah i get to work on a relationship that is actually fucking worth it. amazing. i was scared but i read my last 40 or so posts. and i remembered what they did to me. how they hurt me how they fucked me up.

so i dont know how to make him happy so its work bring it on

as long as he says i love you i still want you at the end of the day

i love him but i saw today how this could fail if i dont do my part. it is a choice and yes there are options
lisa today was like you should come to fremont and have slumber party and go clubbing and blah blah blah

and i was like no i cant i have a boyfriend.. but the thing is i could. but i dont want to. those things never made me happy like he does. they entertained me but it always felt empty and fake and like i wasnt good enough.. when i love him when i look in his eyes and see how he sees me. i dont feel empty i dont feel not good enough i feel amazing i feel gorgeous i feel perfect

thats not a choice

im choosing perfection, perfection at the cost of real work, over friendships that are almost (almost is a very important word here i have a couple that i have very much under valued that are true) completely shallow and fake

you. i dont even like you anymore... looking back im not sure i ever did. you are selfish and judgmental and just too much damn work. and i dont get shit and what i get i have to fight and degrade myself for.. fuck that but mostly just fuck you

i guess today i just saw our fallibility

but i not sure thats a bad thing. unless i see it i cant stop it

as long as its just a fairytale i cant trust it.

now that its a choice to say i trust you knowing we might fuck this up.

its real

its has more value

i love him
Current Music: some screaming emo crap per this journals requirments lol
livejournal, my drug of choice
18 June 2009 @ 12:18 am

I don't remember the last time I cried

It all feels fake. Yeah it still hurts thus the crying. But I just want someone that feels real. That can keep me grounded. That's on the same page. Hell I'll take the same book

Posted via LiveJournal.app.

Current Location: Home
Current Mood: Tired
Current Music: Kids-mgmt
livejournal, my drug of choice
18 June 2009 @ 12:18 am

I don't remember the last time I cried

It all feels fake. Yeah it still hurts thus the crying. But I just want someone that feels real. That can keep me grounded. That's on the same page. Hell I'll take the same book

Posted via LiveJournal.app.

Current Location: Home
Current Mood: Tired
Current Music: Kids-mgmt
livejournal, my drug of choice
18 April 2009 @ 01:08 am
I'm sick of only seeing the fucked up side of love. I really need to feel the happy side again soon or idk if ill even feel like me inside anymore

Everyone I know is in pain for some kind of love

And I can think of no one that I can say has a healthy love

And then I wonder why I'm depressed?
Sent via BlackBerry from T-Mobile
livejournal, my drug of choice
22 November 2008 @ 12:26 am
For saving me from myself tonight.

Now hurry up and work befor I really write all that's keeping me up
Sent via BlackBerry from T-Mobile
livejournal, my drug of choice
12 November 2008 @ 01:20 am
sometimes i hate my mushy insides

why couldnt it have been easy?
but maybe if it had been easy then the hard now would hurt even worse

but maybe then the hard now would be simpler to fix

it would be simpler but it would be harder for me because i wouldnt understand it like i do

it hurts

its no ones fault and the ones it would be easiest to blame are more hurt by it then me anyway
they wanted it like this less then i do

god i want so much more for my kids

maybe thats why

that question thats been poking me to cry to admit it was a sefish mistake

maybe this is the answer

it would have been worse

they would not have had simple uncomplicated easy best

and i want to be able to offer that

that is why i did it not because i was lazy and didn't wanna get fat
that is probably still my selfishness, that i didn't wanna do it unless i could do it best

but i guess its at least a better reason to be selfish

i dont want what i have for those i love the most


its ok

the pain reminds me to feel real