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10 April 2010 @ 04:47 am
out here its like im someone else  
You leave home and you move on and you do the best you can
I got lost in this old world and forgot who I am
I thought if I could touch this place or feel it
This brokenness inside me might start healing
Out here it’s like I’m someone else
I thought that maybe I could find myself

I am me now. The choices I make are my own. I choose who I am and what I do
Maybe it’s the staying home and not doing anything but I think it’s more the really seeing what the future is going to look like. What I will choose. It’s real now not just some fuzzy happy time in the future.

This right here. This is my life this is the future I've spent so long waiting for. I'm living it. Maybe it’s him, maybe it’s because he’s here now I feel like I'm complete I'm ready to live because he’s here with me making it real. Before him I was just looking for him so our life could start.

He is my life. I know that’s not healthy. And so I try to be me too but he is everything I care about. But I know in order for us to be happy we have to be healthy so I don’t forget myself. It’s harder than I thought. It’s funny I was in such shitty relationships that were so hard and so much work for nothing I thought a real good relationship would be easy. and I guess that’s true but it’s like yeah it was hard before but it just sucked because I knew it was for nothing and not worth it but I needed/wanted it so bad I did it even though it sucked and I wasn’t really happy. And now it’s hard…. Let me rephrase that it’s really fucking hard. I love him so much but god damn he’s so stubborn! I'm so complicated and over think everything and he just doesn’t lol it’s not a bad thing but it’s frustrating. I know he loves me but he’s just so different. It’s hard to slow down and remember to think like him not just about him.

I guess the choices I've made the past 5 years have affected me now but it just feels real now. it’s funny I'm living at home (maybe not mine but it’s still a home and still has almost all the perks mainly free home cooked meals I don’t have to make or plan) again yet I feel more adult than ever.

Kyle doesn’t want to live in the city or even the suburbs. Which once I was really honest with myself with what I've pictured I don’t want either. I want trees, I want grass, I want creeks I want nature and adventure and I want my kids to grow up with everything I wished for as a child. Don’t get me wrong my childhood rocked, my mom was my best friend and I saw her all the time and there was never a second I doubted her love. But we always had more concrete then grass and I know that wasn’t her dream either but if I've learned anything it’s that even when we get what we dream of we live life not a dream, we have to live in the real world with money and drama and trust. This means I won’t always get everything I want. But I have him. And that is really all I've ever wanted.

It’s true; it’s not really socially acceptable to say. But he is all I've ever wanted. It’s probably more of a self worth issue then I wanna admit but whatever. I wanted him the one I was gonna spend my life with the one that completes me that I get to marry make babies and a life with. I found him, or rather he found me. It’s funny it just felt so anti climatic. We started dating and it was like oh wow I think I love you, yup I def love you. And that was it. We just are and always will be. It just feels like a given, it’s not of course it’s a choice everyday it’s work. But really nothing else makes sense. We’ve never stayed mad for even an hour. We fight it hurts but I have never doubted he loves me. I love him and if he loves me everything else doesn’t matter. If he really loves me and I really love him I'm willing to do what it takes to make whatever work.
I'm not used to giving it. I've spent so long always getting what I want. I lived for me with no one else to worry about. It’s a weird transition with unexpected speed bumps. Attitudes that have never mattered before hurt him. I don’t want to hurt him. I'm changing me to become who I want. But I always over think everything. So I'm trying to explain it to myself, wonder how it affects him, trying to explain it to him, and failing at all of it because I can’t do everything all the time. I want so badly to be perfect for him. I need to just breathe and let whatever happens happen. But I can’t let go of that control. So often it takes seeing that he’s hurt to make me see I need to stop. But by that point we are already in a fight. I'm so self involved.
On my journal it says
I don’t understand why anyone would love me unless I'm either pretty or helping them
and when I’m not doing either I don’t feel like anyone should love me

Logically I know that I'm worthy of love regardless but call me jaded but I just can’t see it in strangers. Although I fully admit I'm probably a self fulfilling prophesy. It means I'm overly sensitive and way too worried about….. Everything really.

I feel too strong. I fall too hard. I love so strong so black and white so unapologetically. My love for him just is it isn’t a question or really a choice. Yes I choose everyday to love him and to put the work into us that will make us work, but that emotion? That need, that uncontrollable emotion that you can’t force if it’s not there or ignore if it is? That just is.

We fell in love that first night. The idea of what it was was amazing; It was exhilarating right from the start his touch set me on fire I couldn’t say no didn’t want to. He held me and I knew I wanted nothing but that. I forget when exactly it was but it couldn’t have been more than a week later I was driving I think to work I was on the frontage road headed towards home depot and some song came on the radio and I imagined what it would feel like if he got hurt or died and I never got any more time with him then id had. I started crying. I scared myself with how much that idea hurt me. I had to distract myself. The idea of losing him hurt more than anything I could imagine. The idea of losing him .losing what we were becoming. I had no idea I could feel that so quickly I mean I move fast but damn the pain at just the idea was crippling. I've never had anything mean that much to me. Still don’t have anything to compare it to. The closest thing would be the idea of not being able to have kids. But there are so many other options for that it’s bearable. But him? Nothing compares. No option besides him. Nothing I've wanted more than this life with him. The everyday the hug home from work the kiss on the forehead as we fall asleep. I couldn’t imagine the pain that day of being teased with it and never getting to see the what if. But now, now that I really see what our everyday would be like. I can’t imagine going back, I can’t imagine holding myself up now that I've felt him catch me. I don’t know why it scares me so bad it’s not like there’s anything especially dangerous about what he does. But god when I think about it. Nothing, nothing scares me like that. Maybe it’s because I can’t believe I deserve it, my mom didn’t get it? Why should I? I trust him beyond anything, but I don’t trust fate, god, life enough to believe I get this, everything I've ever dreamed of. Maybe it’s because I've never lost anyone. And the imagined pain is worse than the reality that one day all pain fades. But I just can’t imagine. I can’t see myself breathing through the pain; I just can’t see me finding a way to function through that. I know realistically that I would but god. I can’t think of anything that would hurt worse than losing him. Because it’s losing the only thing I've ever wanted, the only thing in the world I've ever really really wanted needed. I'm strong I don’t need. But I need him, but if I lose him I don’t lose just him, I lose our life together, I don’t ever get to have it. And before the future was just some fuzzy happy place but now I can see it I can see the smiles the love the everyday love the laundry the kisses goodbye the waking up in his arms the wedding the having his children the raising them then watching them grow up and growing old with him. I’d lose all of that too. I can’t imagine wanting any of that with anyone else. And god there is nothing I want more then that life with him and to have that taken along with him? It’s just, unimaginable. It’s just one more way my over thinking hurts me; it means I feel the what if pain when no one else would have gotten past the right now pain.
We fought about something then other day and it was bad, screaming both sides really hurt. He pushed me away. And I broke. I literally cried hysterically fell to my knees and into a ball on the floor. Nothing matter but the pain his rejection. I had no pride. I didn’t want to fix it. Couldn’t think completely broken. I can’t remember crying like that in my adult like I never gave myself into anything like that. I've never wanted anything to have that much control over me. I'm too much of a control freak to let go that far. But with him? I want him more then I could ever want control. I’d give him anything. Anything. This love this need this love isn’t something I can control or choose.. It is amazing. It’s funny, I'm such a control freak but with him? I can’t stay mad. Because no matter what it is. It doesn’t matter more than him. It can be really really really important. But really, I don’t care more about being right or doing anything or getting something or doing what I want more than I care about him. When I get in a fight with him all I have to do it look in his eyes see him, really see the man I'm in love with and I remember I choose nothing, nothing in the world over him. We had gotten in a fight because I was scared. He drove over 17 and we were both tired and I thought he wasn’t ok to drive (he was) but I wasn’t either, so it got to the point where I was hysterical screaming the entire ride over 17 because my fear blinded me to rational thinking. We got home and he got up to walk out the door. I broke. I realized nothing mattered. Nothing. I hadn’t stopped screaming for over an hr and the moment I realized he was leaving I shut up grabbed him and couldn’t let go. Nothing in the world even my fear was not more important to me then not losing him. I had been so far gone id forgotten. I swore to myself I would never again let anything blind me to that fact. That he is more important to me than anything. Period. It’s, meant a lot of fights stopped cold.

He is amazing.

I was sitting in the tree house crying because I didn’t know how to explain my crazy head to him and I saw the sun setting through a huge tree. It was so pretty. For not the first time in the last few weeks I was struck by how right it all felt. How much I feel at home in my life at the moment and how unexpected it is. There is a lot I don’t know, what I'm doing with my life how we will work as a couple how we will fix our fights when well move how well ever afford anything if I’ll ever be perfect or happy or have the perfect life. But I have him behind me loving me like I never dreamed I’d be loved. Nothing else matters. I realized I love him and I feel complete but it’s been almost 7 mths now and were past the mushy phase it’s real life now. And I realized I'm still broken. My issues? Still there. He loves me anyway but now my broken parts? They don’t just affect me anymore now they affect us. And that sucks, I don’t wanna hurt him. So now I have real incentive to fix me but guess what. I still don’t know how :(