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06 January 2010 @ 12:33 am
its real now  
its real now

its a choice now

its work now

i kinda wanna run, but i know i wont be happy

i know im happy now

i know it hurts when we fight but god that feeling when he looks in my eyes says he loves me cant live with out me and hes sorry

i cant live without him cant live without that love cant walk away from him

and for once in my god damn life. im with someone i shouldnt walk away from

with a guy that loves me, isnt a lying cheating asshole just telling me what i wanna hear

god fucking forbid he has opinions of his own that arent the same as mine. i cant just get scared because he is his own person and isnt just faking what i wanna see

i love that person that he is. that he is his own person and he is real

and he loves me

holy crap i found him he loves me! the way i love him. yeah this is gonna be hard so yeah i get to work on a relationship that is actually fucking worth it. amazing. i was scared but i read my last 40 or so posts. and i remembered what they did to me. how they hurt me how they fucked me up.

so i dont know how to make him happy so its work bring it on

as long as he says i love you i still want you at the end of the day

i love him but i saw today how this could fail if i dont do my part. it is a choice and yes there are options
lisa today was like you should come to fremont and have slumber party and go clubbing and blah blah blah

and i was like no i cant i have a boyfriend.. but the thing is i could. but i dont want to. those things never made me happy like he does. they entertained me but it always felt empty and fake and like i wasnt good enough.. when i love him when i look in his eyes and see how he sees me. i dont feel empty i dont feel not good enough i feel amazing i feel gorgeous i feel perfect

thats not a choice

im choosing perfection, perfection at the cost of real work, over friendships that are almost (almost is a very important word here i have a couple that i have very much under valued that are true) completely shallow and fake

you. i dont even like you anymore... looking back im not sure i ever did. you are selfish and judgmental and just too much damn work. and i dont get shit and what i get i have to fight and degrade myself for.. fuck that but mostly just fuck you

i guess today i just saw our fallibility

but i not sure thats a bad thing. unless i see it i cant stop it

as long as its just a fairytale i cant trust it.

now that its a choice to say i trust you knowing we might fuck this up.

its real

its has more value

i love him
Current Music: some screaming emo crap per this journals requirments lol